God's Will- not mine

This has probably been the hardest post to bring myself to write thanks to my little friend named pride.  Nonetheless, I knew I wanted to share about the journey we have been on with my first born, Will.

 Will will be two and a half November 14th and as of right now he is still not really talking.  I feel almost silly bringing attention to it knowing that SO many parents battle FAR worse obstacles than this and we are so very blessed to have two healthy children.  However, navigating life with a 3 month old and a frustrated two year old is HARD! This was one area of parenting I never prepared myself for.  Everyone always warned me of the colic and reflux issues and not sleeping through the night troubles that you can expect early on.  No one could have ever prepared me for life with a toddler who can tear apart a room in seconds and is a constant accident waiting to happen.  Not to mention a very worked up toddler with a very small vocabulary. 

We had a feeling Will might be behind in the communication department early on as he didn't really babble much as a baby and at his first birthday was showing no signs of saying any words.  None of this was very alarming seeing as many children are just "late talkers" and we kept that mindset through his whole second year of life.  As most of our friends children around the same age as Will were starting to point out "ball" and "car" and "baby", we were repeating words and talking to Will nonstop hoping he would started imitating us with no success.  

After Will turned two we decided it wouldn't hurt to get some outside help to see if there was some things we could be doing differently.  This summer, right before Crawford was born, we started meeting with a speech therapist once a week.  Even though many people told us that he would start talking when he was ready we figured some enrichment and guidance on ways we could help him could get us in the right direction.  Also, at this point having a little person who felt very strongly about what he wanted but wasn't able to convey this to us made for a very loud and tense household.  All of us ended up adoring our speech therapist and it was so great to see Wills confidence go up from merely feeling more understood.  

While speech therapy has greatly helped in many areas for us, Will is still not talking very much.  He is making progress but this will definitely be a journey.  I still have days that I want to lock myself in the closet and cry and blame myself for his lack of communication.  Did we not read enough books at night before bed?  Should I have talked to him more as an infant? Did I let him watch too much TV?  There are days Will is grumpy and tired and seems to whine and fuss all day.  Days like that are simply when I let Satan in my day and win my joy.  I am constantly reminded that life with ANY toddler has its tough days but I can choose to wake up every morning with a fire in my heart to pour out every ounce of patience and joy I have to all three of the boys in my life.  

There have been days where I am so frustrated for Will and losing my patience left and right, even though I knew he couldn't help any of this.  I would rest my head on the pillow at night feeling like I had lost that day.  I wanted patience. I wanted Will to talk to me and tell me what he wanted and not have to jump through so many hoops to get through the day.  Then one morning while I was having my quiet time I came across this verse:

"Children are a heritage from the Lord,

    offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

    are children born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man

    whose quiver is full of them."

Psalm 127-3-5

Wait a second!  He is God's Will, not mine.  Yes, I gave birth to him and have spent the past two years with the title of his mom; snuggling him, feeding him, rocking him to sleep and cheering when he took his first steps but he was Gods before I ever laid eyes on him May 14th, 2013.  I am definitely his mom and there is no one on this Earth that will love him as much as I do but I am simply a vessel for Christ in raising both he and Crawford.  The Lord has entrusted me with this precious gift and my most important job is not to make sure that Will is talking before he is three, but to share Jesus with this sweet boy.  I have the cherished job of raising up these little men and ensuring that they grow up learning about what walking in grace and love look like.  I need to remind myself what eternal value this job in front of me holds.  While some days I feel that I deserve to be defeated I learn that Will is my REWARD not because of anything I have done but because of abundant grace.  Lets be honest, one glance from those blue eyes and I don't need much reminding of what a gift that kid is.  

    

So many times when we are out and about and someone meets Will I have felt the need to say "Hi this is Will, he doesn't talk" just to avoid confusion and awkwardness but that would be walking in fear, not love.  That would be like God saying "This is my daughter Chelsea, and she sins a lot".  Yes, I sin but that is not who I am and that is not how God sees me.  In the same way, I have a healthy, beautiful little boy who is so full of life and funny and the fact that he is taking his time talking does not define him.  God is able to give you a whole new view on what seem to be hard times when you can see people how God sees them.  I have been told that grace is "meeting people where they are" and I think that is ultimately what God asks of us at the end of they day. If God wants Will to talk when he is four, then he is going to talk when he is four and Mama is going to learn crazy kinds of patience.  

 I know two things for sure, raising two boys is going to be a heck of a job and I have a Savior who is constantly filling my cup.  I have days ahead of me that are going to make me ready for straight jacket and others that make me want to sob happy tears.  No matter what kind of day it is and no matter what we are battling, us Mamas must remember not to start comparing ourselves to others.  I think you cheat yourself the ability to see the good in where you are and comparing just becomes a disappointing game.  Lets be honest, no one has it all together but most of us are just doing the best with what we have.  I don't want to make light of struggling with speech delays or any issues that someones child might be facing.  We have checked all the boxes for Will to make sure there isn't any major underlying problems (i.e hearing problems).  We are going to continue to work with him to the best of our knowledge and try to set him up to thrive.  However, ultimately we know that we serve a HUGE God and a speech delay is nothing he can't handle.  

No matter the challenge or tantrum, we have been brought copious amounts of joy thanks to my favorite two year old.  I can't wait to be greeted by his huge gapped-tooth smile every morning and seeing him point out the window to the car.  He lives for sitting in anyones driver seat and pretending to drive around town.  He would rather listen to Uptown Funk than watch Elmo most mornings, and has been known to sit at the table before dinner with his hands folded waiting for everyone to pray with him.  He hugs like an old man as he taps his fingers gently on your back and him leaning in for a kiss is the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed.  Will Fitts, I am so blessed to be your Mama.  
I love you so….

     

In other news(which I will update in more detail later)  Little Brother can be best described as our "Fat Smile", just along for the ride.  He is learning about all the best things in life like laughing and sleeping through the night.  Everyone just loves him to pieces and he can often be found in someones lap, chewing on his hands.  

10 Things

I have collaborated with some of my fellow Navy OCS loved ones and come up with this little list of things we really wish someone had told me before sending our sailors off to OCS.  I know that there are going to be many parts of Navy life harder that Wills time spent in Rhode Island but I would like to think of this first obstacle a special little challenge!  Am I pro at this? Absolutely not! But had I known some of these tid bits, OCS would have been much less full of surprises!  So here is, 

10 Things I Wish Someone had Told me Before OCS

1. Expect Zero Contact in Week One

I wish there was someone that could have grabbed my face and said "Chelsea, he has not forgotten about you, he simply doesn't have a phone and can't send mail yet" during the first week. Mail is very slow for them and it feels like that first letter is never going to come, but when it does it is GLORIOUS.   Their first week is a blur and while SOME people end up getting a phone call or some how send mail right away, for the sake of everyones sanity, just assume that week one will be a communication cleanse for you and your LO.

2. Facebook Groups are Lifesaving

Just at the end of week one when I had spent two hours googling any information I could get my hands on about OCS and had just about given up; I found a OCS Friends and Family Group.  This network of people was probably my most valuable resource the entire 15 weeks Will was away.  It was moms, dads, wives, girlfriends and anyone wanting to keep up with their sailors along the way.  Not only did it give me updates, but there were files and instructions for Candio Boxes, graduation and even the proper way to send letters.  An added bonus to this group was when I showed up to Newport for graduation I felt like I already knew so many people!  The sense of community within the Navy is amazing!

3.  OCS Aint Cheap

While OCS is part of their job and our LOs do get paid while they are there does not mean that it doesnt cost money to be there and graduate.  This was something that I never gave an ounce of thought to until Will wrote or called saying "Oh money for food comes out of my paycheck and we have to pay for uniforms before we leave".  Trips to the NEX every other week and travel expenses for graduation also added up very quickly and fortunately we were able to drive.  However, the big monster at the end was the uniform bill.  The excitement at the thought of seeing them in their dress whites at graduation eases the blow as you dish out what feels like a down payment on a car.  It is all very worth it but definitely something to think about beforehand.  

4. RLP is from the pits of Hell
While there are many many evolutions that are rollable, I think there is one that stands out to most as the worst.  This would be the Room, Locker, and Personnel Inspection.  It is tough for everyone, the Indocs and their loved ones.  The wait for an email from your sailor on the day of RLP was the most stressful day for me by far.  This was one part that took me out at the knees, and I wish that I would have been more aware of its suckiness(is that a word?) before hand!

5. Hurry Up and Wait

I had always thought since the military seems to be such a well-oiled and structured machine that there would be many absolutes and everything would happen in a timely manner.  I have since come off of that little cloud and realized that many aspects of Navy life include waiting and many times till the very last minute.  Will, along with many others, didnt recieve his orders until the day of gradution.  Also, the training and schools that these officers attend after OCS does not always have spots open which can result in longer OHARP(which I dont hate). However, waiting seems even worse when graduates have to stay after graduation to wait for orders or the dreaded NAMI letters(for pilots).  

6. 12ish Weeks

I think most LOs go into OCS thinking "its just twelve weeks, its just 12 weeks" and then at some point in those twelve weeks someone decides that 15 weeks sounds much better.  The word ROLL will never be the same to me as long as I live.  The sound of it makes my blood turn cold!  After Will rolled, I spent the rest of his time there in fear that every event could be the one that pushes him back another three weeks. 

7. Rolling isn't always Fair
I assumed the only reason someone would roll into H Class at OCS was because they clearly didn't reach a goal or pass a test.  I didn't realize how subjective all of these tests and inspections were!  While Will rolled into H Class for very obviously not passing an evolution, there were many that rolled at inspections or tests over one point or because the DI was grumpy and had a personal vendetta. I know so many LOs(including myself) left scratching their heads as to why their sailor was rolled back a class for something so "stupid".  However, there are many that don't ever have to experience this and make it through in just 12 weeks!

8. The Opportunity of H Class
Initially I thought nothing could possibly ever come from H Class, and was very set in my ways about that idea until the end of week two.  I had realized that Will was able to take a step back and take time to learn and perfect things for his inspections.  He was also able to start a devotional and have time to share his testimony with some of the other guys in H Class and was able to write me a lot more.  While it is definitely three weeks of sitting on your hands and not moving forward, it goes by quicker than you think and I am certain that it gives most a chance to grow their knowledge and most importantly their confidence.

9. Write Write Write
I can't stress enough how much those at OCS look forward to getting mail.  Will said it was like christmas every time the mail carrier came and it was an even bigger deal when he would have a stack of letters.  I did great on the front end but really dropped he ball after email and phone privileges were in play.  I wish I would have stuck with it the whole time, writing him was like a journal just from updating him on our days. It was nice because I could put all of long things I needed to talk about on the letters and the short and important things were saved for the phone.  Also, having envelopes addressed and stamped on hand made it so easy to write a letter real quick and pop it in the mail.  I can't wait to go back and read our letters to each other in 10 years!

10.  The best way to get through OCS is with a little determination and a whole lot of JESUS!
I could give you a list of 50 things that may help this process be a little easier and less confusing but the ONLY thing that got me through those 15 weeks with my sanity is giving every day to Christ.  Trusting in God alone and knowing that His timing and His plan were best is what made us stronger.  He was the one that opened the door for Will to become an officer and he is the one who got him to graduation.  I wish I could say that is was my own doings that gave me comfort on bad days but it was most certainly Jesus and his sovereignty and grace!  It is so sweet to look back and see where God shapes and molds us in times that are tough and overwhelming, he is begging us to cling to Him for joy and encouragement!

I hope this list didn't just shine negative light on OCS, because that was not my intention at all!  Will and I are both so happy we walked into this opportunity and really think t has forever changed our family for the better and further grounded us in our faith!  Also, thank you to everyone who gave their input to help make this list!  I hope that someone who is completely new to Navy life can find this and know a little more than I did when I began this journey!