God's Will- not mine

This has probably been the hardest post to bring myself to write thanks to my little friend named pride.  Nonetheless, I knew I wanted to share about the journey we have been on with my first born, Will.

 Will will be two and a half November 14th and as of right now he is still not really talking.  I feel almost silly bringing attention to it knowing that SO many parents battle FAR worse obstacles than this and we are so very blessed to have two healthy children.  However, navigating life with a 3 month old and a frustrated two year old is HARD! This was one area of parenting I never prepared myself for.  Everyone always warned me of the colic and reflux issues and not sleeping through the night troubles that you can expect early on.  No one could have ever prepared me for life with a toddler who can tear apart a room in seconds and is a constant accident waiting to happen.  Not to mention a very worked up toddler with a very small vocabulary. 

We had a feeling Will might be behind in the communication department early on as he didn't really babble much as a baby and at his first birthday was showing no signs of saying any words.  None of this was very alarming seeing as many children are just "late talkers" and we kept that mindset through his whole second year of life.  As most of our friends children around the same age as Will were starting to point out "ball" and "car" and "baby", we were repeating words and talking to Will nonstop hoping he would started imitating us with no success.  

After Will turned two we decided it wouldn't hurt to get some outside help to see if there was some things we could be doing differently.  This summer, right before Crawford was born, we started meeting with a speech therapist once a week.  Even though many people told us that he would start talking when he was ready we figured some enrichment and guidance on ways we could help him could get us in the right direction.  Also, at this point having a little person who felt very strongly about what he wanted but wasn't able to convey this to us made for a very loud and tense household.  All of us ended up adoring our speech therapist and it was so great to see Wills confidence go up from merely feeling more understood.  

While speech therapy has greatly helped in many areas for us, Will is still not talking very much.  He is making progress but this will definitely be a journey.  I still have days that I want to lock myself in the closet and cry and blame myself for his lack of communication.  Did we not read enough books at night before bed?  Should I have talked to him more as an infant? Did I let him watch too much TV?  There are days Will is grumpy and tired and seems to whine and fuss all day.  Days like that are simply when I let Satan in my day and win my joy.  I am constantly reminded that life with ANY toddler has its tough days but I can choose to wake up every morning with a fire in my heart to pour out every ounce of patience and joy I have to all three of the boys in my life.  

There have been days where I am so frustrated for Will and losing my patience left and right, even though I knew he couldn't help any of this.  I would rest my head on the pillow at night feeling like I had lost that day.  I wanted patience. I wanted Will to talk to me and tell me what he wanted and not have to jump through so many hoops to get through the day.  Then one morning while I was having my quiet time I came across this verse:

"Children are a heritage from the Lord,

    offspring a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

    are children born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man

    whose quiver is full of them."

Psalm 127-3-5

Wait a second!  He is God's Will, not mine.  Yes, I gave birth to him and have spent the past two years with the title of his mom; snuggling him, feeding him, rocking him to sleep and cheering when he took his first steps but he was Gods before I ever laid eyes on him May 14th, 2013.  I am definitely his mom and there is no one on this Earth that will love him as much as I do but I am simply a vessel for Christ in raising both he and Crawford.  The Lord has entrusted me with this precious gift and my most important job is not to make sure that Will is talking before he is three, but to share Jesus with this sweet boy.  I have the cherished job of raising up these little men and ensuring that they grow up learning about what walking in grace and love look like.  I need to remind myself what eternal value this job in front of me holds.  While some days I feel that I deserve to be defeated I learn that Will is my REWARD not because of anything I have done but because of abundant grace.  Lets be honest, one glance from those blue eyes and I don't need much reminding of what a gift that kid is.  

    

So many times when we are out and about and someone meets Will I have felt the need to say "Hi this is Will, he doesn't talk" just to avoid confusion and awkwardness but that would be walking in fear, not love.  That would be like God saying "This is my daughter Chelsea, and she sins a lot".  Yes, I sin but that is not who I am and that is not how God sees me.  In the same way, I have a healthy, beautiful little boy who is so full of life and funny and the fact that he is taking his time talking does not define him.  God is able to give you a whole new view on what seem to be hard times when you can see people how God sees them.  I have been told that grace is "meeting people where they are" and I think that is ultimately what God asks of us at the end of they day. If God wants Will to talk when he is four, then he is going to talk when he is four and Mama is going to learn crazy kinds of patience.  

 I know two things for sure, raising two boys is going to be a heck of a job and I have a Savior who is constantly filling my cup.  I have days ahead of me that are going to make me ready for straight jacket and others that make me want to sob happy tears.  No matter what kind of day it is and no matter what we are battling, us Mamas must remember not to start comparing ourselves to others.  I think you cheat yourself the ability to see the good in where you are and comparing just becomes a disappointing game.  Lets be honest, no one has it all together but most of us are just doing the best with what we have.  I don't want to make light of struggling with speech delays or any issues that someones child might be facing.  We have checked all the boxes for Will to make sure there isn't any major underlying problems (i.e hearing problems).  We are going to continue to work with him to the best of our knowledge and try to set him up to thrive.  However, ultimately we know that we serve a HUGE God and a speech delay is nothing he can't handle.  

No matter the challenge or tantrum, we have been brought copious amounts of joy thanks to my favorite two year old.  I can't wait to be greeted by his huge gapped-tooth smile every morning and seeing him point out the window to the car.  He lives for sitting in anyones driver seat and pretending to drive around town.  He would rather listen to Uptown Funk than watch Elmo most mornings, and has been known to sit at the table before dinner with his hands folded waiting for everyone to pray with him.  He hugs like an old man as he taps his fingers gently on your back and him leaning in for a kiss is the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed.  Will Fitts, I am so blessed to be your Mama.  
I love you so….

     

In other news(which I will update in more detail later)  Little Brother can be best described as our "Fat Smile", just along for the ride.  He is learning about all the best things in life like laughing and sleeping through the night.  Everyone just loves him to pieces and he can often be found in someones lap, chewing on his hands.